Chapter 11

You may already be aware that plans are underway to make a film of this book. Several of the main characters have been selected already. The acclaimed actor Gary Grant has agreed to play the starring role of Gongleshanks. I say acclaimed, I had never heard of him until he was introduced to me by Dene Michael. Dene, you may recall, if you have been reading this book, is the deluded bloke who thinks he is the singer in Black Lace……….snigger.

As far as I can make out, this Gary one was in some programme about ducks I think……..The Bill? …..Anyway the point is he will be a proper celebrity once he’s appeared in this film.

We are also in talks with weather girl, Sian Lloyd. I offered her the part of Kara Jarina. The problem with Ms. Lloyd is that fame has gone straight to her head since becoming involved with the Grimniens and she is demanding ridiculous amounts of money before she’ll agree to the part. Tch! She’ll be demanding all the red jelly babies next. That’s what happens with humans when you pluck them from the obscurity of the weather office, they can’t handle the fame! What Sian doesn’t seem to realise is this is going to be a low budget film. It will be shot in the garden of my author, Steve Bob on a camera phone. None of the actors will be paid although, they will get as many free jam butties as they can eat and as much water as they can drink. That coupled with the privilege of working with the great Megastar who is Gongleshanks…………what more could anybody want??……..

Then there will be the expense of make up! Imagine how much we’ll need to make Sian look anywhere near as beautiful as Kara, Tch! Kara thought that comment was rude but I can’t help being honest now can I? And, before you all start shouting at me, I know Sian isn’t an actress but all that will be required of her is that she looks beautiful – which I’ve already covered – and that she teases the boys……..I’m sure our Sian can manage that:-)

Fat Boy Slime (Morton Balthus) will play himself – unless any of you know where I can find an actor clam? For once the clam has been useful, I asked him where I could find a dipsy red haired actress to play AnMarie He volunteered his aunty Ethel whom, he assures me, used to tread the boards and although she has grey hair now, her beard is still red. So the plan is coming together nicely, no problems encountered up to now 🙂

Of course the film is in its early stages yet so I don’t expect it to be released until at least November 7th 2014 so please bear with us. Blockbuster films take time you know!

We still need a few more actors so if any of you readers can help, please get in touch. One of the main stumbling blocks I foresee is filling the role of Hall……….Does anyone know where I can find a tiny actress with a goaty beard?………..oh and…..erm…….no body of course!

Don’t panic, there is plenty of time; I’m not aiming to shoot the film until next Wednesday. For actors already confirmed i.e. Gary and Aunty Ethel, please keep a few hours free next Wednesday, filming is expected to take at least thirty minutes and then there will be the after show party of course…………

I’m hoping to get Richard O’Brien – from the Crystal Maze – or Eddie Izzard to play Grimnien, failing that he can play himself……..

Oh, Gary please bring an umbrella in case it rains. We don’t have trailers or any of that poncey nonsense here! ……also don’t worry when you turn into Steve Bob’s road and see all the paparazzi swarming all over the place, they won’t bother you……it’s the great Gongleshanks they’re hoping to catch a glimpse of 🙂

The cast so far:

Gongleshanks……….Gary Grant

An Marie ……………Morton’s aunty Ethel

Kara Jarina ………….Sian Lloyd (Once she stops demanding money – SO uncouth!)

Grimnien ……………Eddie Izzard/Richard O’Brien – to be confirmed

We are hoping to get Dene Michael to write the film score as soon as he has finished his tour with the National Shakespeare Company where he is starring in ‘Much agadoo about nothing’

Sorry for blatantly stealing your joke Morton but it was too funny to leave out 🙂

So that’s all the film news for now, I will let you know if I hear from any professional film companies who think they can do it better.


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