So………….Who was it that said ‘Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive’?………Oh yes it was JP Lane wasn’t it. Well, she was right! Let me explain………..
There I was sitting comfortably with my pizza and beer cans all ready for the football when one of my staff announced:
‘Verlio Lazair to see you sir’
To say my heart sank would be a cliche so I won’t say it! In walks my new best friend clutching a pile of rugby DVD’s
‘Hi Gongle, what have you got that rubbish on for? I’ve come to rescue you, brought sixteen hours of your favourite game’ he beamed.
For those of you who haven’t read chapter thirteen Verlio is convinced I’m the biggest rugby fan in the universe even though I can’t STAND the game!
To cut a short story even shorter I spent a miserable afternoon watching the senseless game so as not to offend him.
He’s dead posh too so I had to use a knife and fork to eat my pizza! Tch!
‘Golly Gosh, did you see that banana kick?’ he enthused.
‘Yes’ I replied, trying to sound knowledgeable. ‘They don’t half let some rabble in to the rugby these days, tch! Fancy throwing a banana onto the pitch!’
I sensed that wasn’t the response he was expecting when I felt his eyes boring into my head and there was a long pause before he started laughing.
‘You are such a joker Gongle!’
‘Well you know me Verlio, I like a good laugh’ Phew!
‘Look at that!’ he went on as his eyes fixed on the stupid game, ‘Feeding the scrum’
‘Yup, I replied absent-mindedly as I wondered if Liverpool had scored. ‘That banana would come in handy now!’
Silence again until………
‘Call yourself a hooker!’ he boomed causing me to drop my pizza. I scanned the ladies in the crowd but couldn’t see what he was referring to so I quickly took a swig of beer so that I didn’t have to reply and simply tutted and shook my head.
‘Try!’ shouted Verlio as he sprang to his feet.
I shook my fist at the television ‘Yes, come ON! TRY HARDER’ I boomed. I looked at Verlio to see if he was impressed but he was doing that gormless, hang jaw look I’ve seen him doing so often.
When the ordeal…..erm afternoon was finally over Verlio said:
‘I’m glad Grimnien introduced us Gongle. It’s great to have a friend who enjoys rugby as much as me’ I think I’ll buy us a season ticket’………………
‘Oh NO, NO you mustn’t do that Verlio, I…..I…..’
‘No ol’ chap I INSIST’ he cut in. ‘Golly Gosh is that the time? It flies when you’re having a good time’ he beamed. ‘Must dash old sport’ and with that he was gone!
I flicked back to the channel I had on when he arrived………….Come Dancing! I ask you! That Grimnien has a lot to answer for!
It’s really becoming a problem. How AM I going to get out of it? I wish I’d just said from the start, ‘Rugby! tch I can’t STAND rugby!’ Life would be so much simpler if humans told the truth! I don’t know why I ever picked this habit up from humans. They’re a strange species.
Listen to this for example. I was standing outside Harrods a few days ago waiting for my chauffeur when a young lady ran up to someone she knew and pulled the most disgusting dress I’d ever seen out of a bag:
‘What do you think of THIS?’ she asked excitedly.
The other lady looked a bit shocked and I waited for her response expecting it to be ‘Yeuch! It’s HORRIBLE!’ but instead she said:
‘Erm……….it’s LOVELY Where did you get it?’
‘Harrods, in the sale……it was only eight hundred and fifty’
‘What a bargain!’ came the response
‘I got it for your wedding’ the lady said as she shoved the disgusting rag back into her bag.
Now it doesn’t take a genius – even though I am one – to see what’s going to happen. That lady is going to be a laughing stock at her friend’s wedding and all because her ‘friend’ LIED! All she had to say was:
‘Don’t you DARE come to my wedding wearing that HORRIBLE, DISGUSTING excuse for a dress. Take it back and get something NICE or I’ll never speak to you again!’ That’s what I would have said anyway and yet, people on Twitter often complain when I tell the truth! I really don’t get it! I may just have to own up to Verlio next time I see him. I’m sure he’ll understand when I explain the situation…………
‘ The thing is ol’ chap I really can’t stand rugger, it’s a game for toffs and I ain’t one see. When I said I liked it I was just copying your habit of lying through my teeth, see? From now on let’s just be honest with each other and…………By the way Who cuts your hair? The butcher!’
Yes I think that will clear things up and we can then be proper mates instead of all this pretence.