Chapter 5


the wheel

 Gongle, AnMarie and Sketch on the Big wheel

 Because this chapter concerns the recent visit to Liverpool, England by our very own Gongleshanks and An Marie I am handing you over to Mr Gongle Shanks himself He seems to believe that he exists independently and doesn’t need an author therefore I, Steve alias Bob, author of this book now hand you, the reader over to the one and only……………drum roll please…………Gongleshanks. Take it away Gongle, it’s all yoursJ

Hello fans! Thank you for the introduction Steve alias Bob, I’ve always wanted to be a paperback writer …………..

Firstly make sure the cat is fed, phone is off the hook and you are sitting comfortably. This is going to be a very interesting chapter obviously because it’s about ME!

Sunday 25th May 2014 (earth time) was a significant day for Liverpudlians or ‘scousers’ as they are affectionately known. Do you want to know a secret? Many of you who were in Mathew Street (home to the Cavern club) on that night were mingling with greatness although you won’t realise it until now.  The most famous imp in the world was among you but I was incognito (yes I was walking on my feet) for the sake of my fiancée, An Marie. She had commented several times earlier in the restaurant where we dined, how everyone was staring at us. I, being a megastar am quite used to this of course and although Ann said she was delighted I think it made her feel a little uncomfortable. I made a conscious decision at that point to accompany her upright so that she could enjoy Mathew Street in peace.

Of course I arrived alone in the afternoon; I had arranged to meet Ann in our hotel so that we could have some privacy away from adoring fans. Word had leaked out that the great Gongle was visiting Liverpool and there was a huge crowd of several hundred thousand awaiting my arrival at the station. I spent some time shaking hands and signing autographs because I understand what an uplifting experience it is for ordinary people to meet me. Many folks told me in fact that it was the best moment of their lives. Of course I understand this, I am pretty spectacular and I didn’t want to rush away and cause a revolution

If I’m totally honest I must admit that I was extremely disappointed when I realised that not one of the Beatles had come to greet me! What could they POSSIBLY be doing that was more important than that? Not only that but not one of the Liverpool football team were there either. No sign of Stevie G, no sign of Agger, Sterling, Suarez, Skirtle, Sturridge………..I just couldn’t understand it! Still, not to worry, I’m sure they’ll be kicking themselves when they realised what an opportunity they missed!

The city was crammed with excited people all hoping to catch a glimpse of me – oh and there was a little marathon taking place too which my fiancée was participating in……….

I finally arrived at my destination and all the staff at the hotel were totally professional, pretending not to recognise me or get excited, and I was shown to my private suite which was very adequate but nowhere near the luxurious surroundings to which I’m accustomed. Ann thought it was wonderful, bless her but she’s not used to the megastar lifestyle like me. We decided to eat in the restaurant with all the ordinary people. I have already said that I’m very used to people staring at me but even I felt a bit uncomfortable, I mean, I was starving! How can you shovel food down your throat and let it spill down your shirt when all eyes are watching your every move!

Ann and I in the restaurant
Ann and I in the restaurant

The staff were exceptionally helpful and attentive, especially after I left a £5000 tip.

Ann seemed a little bit starry eyed the whole evening, I mean even more than she usually is when she is lucky enough to be with me. She was gazing at all the ‘Beatles’ statues and the ‘Cavern club’ in a dreamy sort of way like she was experiencing something special or something. It annoyed me a bit to be honest, I mean, obviously idolising the musicians like that when she was lucky enough to be seen with the world’s most iconic imp! Tch, that’s women for you I suppose, I was still secretly niggled that none of them had come to meet me at the station.

It’s actually quite funny when I think about it, there were all these tourists wandering around in a daze, wanting to walk on the hallowed ground that the Yeah Yeah Yeah lads had walked on in their winkle pickers years before, and there in the midst of them was the most famous megastar imp in the world and they just walked straight past me! If only they had known! Still, I enjoyed the anonymity for a while. It was different to be able to walk amongst people without getting mobbed! I should try walking on my feet more often! I also picked up a little souvenir for Grimnien whilst we were in Mathew Street. The wizard was delighted and said that he would wear it around his neck always.

Barbara 3658a Souvenir for Grimnien

I think the hotel staff had rumbled who I was by the following morning because they were falling over themselves to please me, you know the sort of thing……’Would sir like more tea, would sir like more toast, is everything to sir’s liking, would sir like a taste of honey’’ and so on. I even noticed them looking under all the place mats and serviettes on my table as we were leaving, no doubt looking for souvenirs of yours truly!

After breakfast Ann and I walked around the city taking in all the sights and generally doing touristy things. We met some owls in the middle of a street and it struck me as an odd place for them to be.

 Everyone was staring at them but they didn’t give a hoot.

We got a ticket to ride on the open top bus for a tour around the city. Ann started being all girly when she saw all the pretty young girls staring at me, she whispered in my ear, ‘I want to hold your hand’ I said to her ‘You can’t do that’ in public! Ann you’ve got to hide your love away!’

Can you spot Gongle, AnMarie and Sketch on the bus?

We went down to Albert Dock to look at the little boats, they weren’t that little I suppose but…….if you put them alongside my luxury liners………….

I had a lovely swim in the river, the coastguards were trying to catch up with me but I out manoeuvred them! They were shouting at me the whole time but I couldn’t hear what they were saying because of the police helicopter hovering above me. They were probably just asking if I was THE Gongleshanks……..

swimming 2

Anyway, you will never guess what happened next! We went for a ride on a ferry cross the Mersey and who do you think we ran into? Only Hall! She had stowed away on the ferry Of course Ann then insisted on carrying her around in her pocket for the rest of the trip! I just can’t get away from that cartoon; she can’t stand to be left out of anything! It put a damper on my plans to be honest, I mean how can you give your girlfriend a kiss when you know someone is peering over the edge of her pocket to see what’s going on??……..

stowaway 1
Look who turned up!

Ann was looking all doey eyed at this white boat so I bought it for her. Well it was only half a million quid and I thought it would be a nice little souvenir of Liverpool for her to take home with her to play with!

Ann’s little pressie

On our last night in the hotel we………ok……I decided to have a bit of fun in my typical megastar style. In the best tradition of we billionaire megastars I picked up the little eighty inch television and chucked it out of the window……what a laugh that was until…………….

There was a great big commotion in the street below us. At first I thought they might have realised that I’d nicked the bronze statue of John Lennon from Mathew Street, well I wanted a souvenir for my best man, David E Manuel and they only had cheap imitations in the souvenir shops, certainly not good enough for such a prolific author.

Barbara 3739aa jpg Souvenir for David E Manuel

It turned out though, that some daft bloke was walking his dog under my hotel window, well I ask you! WHO in their right mind is out walking a dog at nine o’clock at night?

I was just getting into bed when there was an almighty hammering on my door, I thought the hotel manager had come to get his juke box back………..Did I mention the juke box? It was in the foyer of the hotel and it was really old so I thought it would be a nice souvenir for Kara Jarina…………

Barbara 3678a Souvenir for Kara Jarina

I nearly fainted when I opened the door to be faced with three burly policemen! My first thought was: ‘Oh NO! What have Ann and Sketch been up to?’ I decided that the best thing to do was to just act naturally. Turned out that they didn’t like megastars throwing televisions out of the window, tch! I couldn’t believe that was what the entire furore was about! Well they slapped these hand cuffs around my ankles and before I knew it I was in the back of a police van with sirens blazing and I was being treated like a common criminal!

I tried explaining to them that I was the mega famous imp, Gongleshanks from Grimney but they obviously didn’t believe that someone as prolific as Gongle would be staying in a mere five star hotel! They kept grinning at each other and pointing at their heads, making circling motions with their fingers. No doubt some sort of secret police language! I think they really did know who they had in their company though because they kept shouting to people:

‘Stand back and make room, the GREAT GONGLESHANKS is passing through!’ then roaring with laughter. I’m not really sure what they were laughing at but I think it is traditional for the earth police to laugh, I heard a song once on the radio called ‘The laughing policeman’. Strange tradition if you ask me but who am I to comment about another planet’s culture? At least they were happy in their work…….

In all fairness to them they did put me in a special cell with lots of very expensive looking padding all around the walls so they must have sensed that I was someone special even if they didn’t believe that I was the Gongleshanks, although  they did have me wrapped up in chains

I did have golden slumbers that night because they had kept me up until after ten which is way past my bedtime! The following morning Ann turned up and I saw her standing there outside the bars with her arms folded and her lips pursed ‘Olive Oyl’ style. Clearly she wasn’t happy with the way her megastar fiancée had been treated. I thought she had come to bail me out but I should have known better! However, to take the heat out of the situation she pretended to side with the fuzz saying:

‘What on earth did you think you were playing at Gongle, throwing a TV set out of the window? If YOU think I’m bailing you out, you’ve got another think coming!’

With that she marched out – which was good acting but I thought she took it a bit too far! She left me there for a week and went off to Edinburgh.

Well I’ll tell you now I am thinking of complaining to the court of Grimnien rights! I wouldn’t put a dog in that place! The memories on those prison wardens made Meadow look like mastermind! Every day the first course was the same……bread and water and every day they forgot to bring the main course! I wasn’t offered smoked salmon once! I asked them to bring me a bottle of Shipwrecked 1907 Heidsieck   their mouths fell open so I just said I’d settle for Moet then. It never arrived! Honestly, the service in that place was abysmal!

I had to suffer that sort of indignity until Friday when they said I could go as long as I promised not to do it again. Of course I agreed…………I gave PC thirty one a wad of cash too……..told her to buy herself a nice boat or something, she was very pretty………

I may put in an official complaint or maybe I’ll just let it be…………..

Oooops just had a message from our lovely sponsor Sian Lloyd asking if I would buy her a boat like Ann’s! How could I forget our lovely Sian!! Luckily I brought a few spare pressies in case of emergencies such as these! Darling Sian I bought this boat especially for you because it has a smiley face just like you:-)……..

My gift to Sian Lloyd, not an afterthought, honest!

Barbara 3736


I will hand you back to boring Steve, Bob now. He will be very surprised when he reads what an amazing job I’ve done on chapter 5. To tell you the truth Steve, Bob is a moron. He has this warped view of the world where he thinks he controls me! He honestly believes that I don’t exist without him, talk about deluded! Steve Bob really has illusions of grandeur! I think it irks him a bit that without me he would be nothing.


I know, let’s ask the readers what they think, Steve, Bob………..If you think chapter 5 is the best chapter in Steve’s book so far, leave a comment saying that you think Gongleshanks should write the rest of this bookJ


N.B More photographs will be added to this chapter when Steve, Bob gets around to it………


5 thoughts on “Chapter 5

  1. NO!!! Keep Stevie Bob at it- you’re hopeless- we all need HELP when you’re around pesky. See, even I can do it and I don’t even LIVE in Norweigian Wood..

    Liked by 1 person

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